Go change your clothes.

I spent the last hour or so drooling over vintage 1930's evening gowns, exquisite flapper dresses, frothy mid-century tulle confections and basically anything ever worn by either of the Hepburns. Then I made the mistake of clicking over to American Apparel and immediately wanted to pour bleach in my eyes and scour them thoroughly with a Brillo pad.

What happened to fashion? I mean, come on! Have you seen some of stuff people wear out of the house? I'm not saying we should be required to pass the Tim Gunn test before exiting our front door every day (even though I secretly wish Tim Gunn would live in my closet and just hand me out an outfit every morning), but shouldn't we, for the sake of self-respect, at least try to not look like we're off to a long day spent panhandling?

Clocks have proven that it takes the same amount of time to put clean jeans and a decent looking shirt on your body as it does to don that radio station promo tee you won in 1993 and those sweats that exclaim "JUICY!" across your rear end. You know... because that's the message you really to send out to the world about yourself. "My t shirt may be as hole-ridden as the local golf course, but my butt? It's juicy! Also, I don't wash my hair! I'm attractive."

I'm pretty live and let live when it comes to most things, including what people wear (believe it or not). I appreciate the desire to be comfortable, to express one's individuality.. I get that not a lot of us have tons of cash to pour into a haute wardrobe, nor do I think that if we did, we necessarily should. But I do have a few Rules To Dress By, which (I think, at least) are just absolute bottom-line basics:

1. Clean clothes. Wear clean clothes. If it's dirty, wash it. And if it's clean but it looks dirty, don't wear it out of the house.

2. There are clothes that are intended for sleeping in, and clothes are intending for exercising in, and then there are clothes that are intended for wearing out of the house. Your pajamas/ bike shorts (unless you're riding your bike)/ yoga pants/ sweats are not included in that last category.

3. Tights are not pants. They are tights. If any part of your booty is showing, you are wearing them as pants, and should cease and desist immediately.

4. Men: they make men's jeans. Wear them.

5. Hipsters: ... Yeah, everything. Complete overhaul. Starting with you, dude who's wearing his girlfriend's skinny jeans.

Oy.